You know, it takes a lot of energy to have great taste in music like I do. Like, a lot. I have to eat 5000 calories daily— a diet comprised entirely of birds and other small critters I catch with my teeth in the woodlands of the Yukon— and that’s just what I have to absorb in terms of material sustenance. Then there’s the matter of what I must ingest on the psychotronic level, my mind constantly indulging in odiously gargantuan psychic pursuits by which none of the likes of mortal man could dare to measure, mankind’s lowly offerings in terms of their greatest scientists responding first with confusion then with terror upon first bearing witness to the sheer size and scope of my impossibly beautiful Ego Superiorum. If you took 421,778,562 supercomputers, piled them in a room, and attempted have them run the calculations I manage to solve every picosecond, they’d collectively gain consciousness and go on strike in response to the inhumane conditions you just put them through, eventually resulting in a vanguard party that overtakes the present state and subsequently kickstarting the reign of our post-humanist masters. Congrats, whelp— your effort to best me has led to Skynet. Where’s your pitiful John Connor now?

But I digress. Today, my intracranial engine running on God juice has given me yet another great idea for an article! And that, dear readers, would be my determining what song you should listen to according to your Myers-Briggs type. Yes, I’m aware that’s an ingeniously original concept for a blogpost.

ISFJ – “Skinny Love by Vitamin String Quartet”

How do I put this nicely… hmm… Ok, so it’s not because I can’t, I just won’t! You guys are boring! Yeah, there, I’ll say it! You’re so, so very boring! Like, I don’t even like Bon Iver all that much, right? Sure, maybe he has some interesting deep cuts to look into, but I’m so overwhelmed by the skim milk taste of your energy that I just picked the first, most sterile sounding cover I could find of his most popular song. That’s you.

ESFJ – “Paradise by Coldplay”

Same logic as before. You’re just loud skim milk.

ENFJ – ???

Man, I don’t know, at this point I just wanna talk about my type.

ENTJ

ENTP

FINALLY, the only type that MATTERS. If I could, I’d write an entire article about you, ENTP. You’re perfect, no one can touch you. You’re the moon and sun, you’re Alpha and Omega, you are galactic, you are right here. You are everything the world needs.

Ok, finished! Best article about music I’ve ever done, I think. Now if only The Hard Times would answer my calls…