Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone?: A Unicorns Album Review

The literal definition of a unicorn, as you may know, is “a mythical animal typically represented as a horse with a single straight horn projecting from its forehead.” This has little to no relevance to the album we will be discussing today. However the metaphorical definition of a unicorn – something that is highly desirable but difficult to find or obtain – could not be more fitting. The example in the Oxford dictionary is “an album like this is something of a unicorn”. They might as well be talking about Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone?, the sole studio album by the Canadian indie pop-rock band The Unicorns. 

During 2003, when indie rock was at its commercial peak, The Unicorns delivered a refreshingly unique album. Listening to Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone? feels like getting a warm hug, which is quite a feat for an album about the inevitability of death. The album feels deeply intimate, both in lyrical content and overall vibe. The instrumentation sounds like the artists are just riffing in their garage. The vocals are distorted, giving the album an unpolished feel. The production boasts deliberately rough mixing that includes background chatter from the band at the beginning and end of many tracks, such as the phrase, “are we rolling?”, heard at the beginning of the opening track I Don’t Want To Die. On this opening track, singer Nick Thorburn warbles apprehensive lyrics predicting how he will die, sharing his omnipresent fear of death with his audience over a bouncy, and overall pleasant beat. 

This is a common theme in the album. The beats are buoyant, and almost silly at times, yet the subject matter is usually morbid. Production wise, the album creates an atmosphere that feels like the opening credits of the Cartoon Network show Adventure Time. But the lyrics are dark and self deprecating, as seen in the track Tuff Luff:

”We’re going down, in smoke and flames. 

We’re going down, and there’s no one else to blame.”    

This is especially evident in the track Sea Ghost, which opens with a recorder passage reminiscent of puff the magic dragon, and concludes with the song’s protagonist struggling to recall his suicide attempt. Mental health is a recurring theme throughout the album. The song Jellybones is a metaphor for the band’s struggle with performance anxiety, with lyrics like “For so long, I trailed you, now here I am, but I can’t stand with these jellybones” set over staticky synths and upbeat drums. This song also features some great medical wordplay for the orthopedics enthusiasts (“Drove up in my bone-camarrow, thinking only about you”.)  

In addition to the morose themes of death and mental illness, Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone? also features a subplot about the band’s come up. Songs like Child Star, and Let’s Get Known provide the listener with some insight into how badly the band wants to make it big, and how much that pressure weighs on their relationship. The tension between the band members is most clearly demonstrated in I Was Born (A Unicorn), in which lead singer Nick Thorburn and his co-star Alden Penner engage in a verbal argument mid song over who is the better songwriter: 

“‘I write the song’

‘I write the songs!’

‘You say I’m doing it wrong’

‘You are doing it wrong!’”

Lyrics like these foreshadowed the untimely breakup of the band in 2004, just one year after the release of Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone? The album concludes with the song Ready to Die, a parallel to the opening track I Don’t Want to Die. This song represents the band’s acceptance of their own mortality, and how this acceptance allows them to overcome their pervasive fear of death. It’s too bad they couldn’t also overcome their creative differences in order to keep the band together.

For me to consider an album a 10/10, it not only has to showcase potent songwriting and pretty melodies. It has to sound like nothing I have heard before or since. And few albums fit that description better than Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone? In the spirit of unicorns, it truly is one of a kind.