I Was Sick and Tired of Writing About Obscure Power Pop Bands From The 70s So I Wrote A Horoscope Based Off The National’s Discography


Milo Paul

Look, not everyone can have an untouchable taste in music. Maybe I doknow at least 32 post-blackgaze neo-crust punk-jazz-fusion bands to each 1 of your indie pop starlets, but maybe just MAYBE I want to sit back and unwind a little. You know, listen to “Breezeblocks” by alt-j in the car and NOT feel like I’m a living a constant lie for once, FOR ONCE. CAN I HAVE THIS? CAN I PLEASE? CAN I— No, YOU need to calm down! That’s it, that’s it, dude, I’m done.

Aries or whatever: I don’t know, dude. Let me go look at their, uhh…Okay, the Wi-Fi isn’t working, umm… Yeah, so, I don’t know and I can’t really think of a song off the top of my head so you can have whatever the Strokes just put out.

Taurus: I’m fairly certain a Taurus introduced me to the National, so this is all you guys’ fault. Thanks, you get nothing.

Sagittarius because I really need to think about my needs right now and also it sounds like Taurus a little bit: If you guys are anything like me then you’ll already be listening to the National by the time you read this and, frankly, you need a hug. I know I need a hug.

Ok, getting back on track: Cancer, right? I think the one after Taurus is Cancer: I really don’t know any Cancers so I can’t really give you guys an answer with genuine sincerity.

No, wait, I think I skipped Gemini:

Nah, we’ll just skip Gemini. Leo: Good lord, even if you don’t like how this sounds, I want you to know that “All the Wine” is probably as Leo of a song as songs can come. Also there isn’t a single Leo that I know barring my Dad that hasn’t adoredwine, so take that as you will.

Virgo/Capricorn: No, go outside and be social. If there’s anything I know with any certainty it is that both of you probably need to see your friends more and work less. That being said, I’ll admit that “Mistaken For Strangers” is very much both of you but I’m not linking it because then you’ll have a harder time reaching the song, tire out, and take a walk. I hopethat’s the case, at least.

I think that’s all the signs. I’m gonna go ahead and take a nap now, peace.