It’s housing season here at AU and I’m scrambling to find roommates. I need someone clean but not uptight, quiet but not mad when I stumble into the room at 2 a.m. I’ve asked friends, acquaintances, and downright strangers; everyone seems to have their living situation perfectly figured out. Luckily for me, plenty of people are still on the hunt for roommates! With rising housing costs in Los Angeles and New York City, some of our brightest stars would love to cut down on expenses by moving to a (slightly) more affordable city and splitting rent. The Grammys provided the perfect opportunity to scope out potential people to share my home for the next semester. So here are some Grammy winners, ranked by how easy it would be to live with them:
9. Lola Young
Coming in dead last is Lola Young. There’s not much to say here that the Best Pop Solo Performance winner doesn’t say herself: she’s emotionally dysregulated, unemployed, and “too messy.” I can handle some singing in the shower, but when that’s paired with piles of clothes on the floor and unwashed dishes, it’s just too much.
8. YUNGBLUD
It’s pretty clear by now that the Grammys don’t have a clear grip on the concept of rock n’ roll, so you can’t hold it against Yungblud that he won Best Rock Performance. The main problem with this pretty-boy wannabe Vince Neil is that he comes with baggage, namely, Sharon Osbourne. Yungblud developed a close relationship with the Osbournes in the years leading up to Ozzy’s death, and now that the prince of darkness is gone (RIP), Sharon doesn’t have much else better to do than hang out with a weird 28-year-old emulating her late husband. One roommate stealing my eyeliner is one thing, but I can’t deal with the two of them dying Sharon’s hair in my bathtub.
7. Kendrick Lamar
Kendrick Lamar is undoubtedly one of the greatest rappers of our time. His five Grammy wins this year, including Best Rap Album and Record of the Year, have brought his career total to 27 wins. Unfortunately, I don’t have the shelf space for 27 gold statues, and that’s just where the problems start. Kendrick ruined Drake’s entire reputation over the span of four diss tracks; I can’t imagine what he’d do to noisy neighbors. Kendrick would undoubtedly start beef with the RAs and write complicated prose about the many crimes of the housing and residence life staff. I’m just trying to lay low and keep the peace so I can’t have my roommate airing out his grievances about room searches at the Super Bowl Halftime Show.
6. The Cure
The Cure skipped the Grammys ceremony this year (where they won Best Alternative Music Album and Best Alternative Music Performance) to go to the funeral of their (former) bandmate. That pretty much tells you everything you need to know. These are the first Grammy wins for the English rock group, which is not necessarily surprising because the Grammys know rock music like the pope knows strip clubs. More importantly, I can’t live with these guys. A goth roommate is one thing, I can deal with that, but four? Hard pass. There isn’t enough space in any of AU’s on-campus housing for the amount of hairspray it would take to keep these guys satisfied, and eyeliner doesn’t grow on trees. I can picture it now: coming home to four Englishmen in a twin XL bed (grandparents from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory style) watching Interview with a Vampire and weeping, because maybe boys don’t cry, but four goths in their late sixties definitely do.
5. Bad Bunny
We’re getting into the category of people I wouldn’t mind living with. Bad Bunny took home three Grammys this month, bringing his total to six. Living with Bad Bunny would definitely be a double-edged sword. On one hand, he seems like a pretty decent guy, and I need to practice my Spanish. On the other hand, I would have to step up my hosting game. I’m not sure that any of AU’s housing can handle the sheer volume of parties that my new roommate is bound to throw. Does the Anderson front desk do valet? Can I fit a DJ in my dorm? These are questions that will have to be answered before we can sign our lease.
4. Billie Eilish
Billie Eilish took home her 10th Grammy month for Song of the Year. Billie is a perfect candidate to be my roommate because she needs this more than I do. Despite making millions of dollars a year, she still lives with her parents. Everyone who has lived at home after graduating high school knows that living with your parents isn’t free–you just pay with your soul. Now that her brother and longtime collaborator Finneas is engaged and out of the house, it’s time for Billie to move on, and AU student housing is the perfect place.
3. Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga won her 15th and 16th Grammy this year for Best Pop Vocal Album for “Mayhem” and Best Dance Pop Recording for “Abracadabra”. I would be honored to live with Lady Gaga. Yes, she’s a diva who probably takes forever to get ready, but she’s got nothing to prove. She seems like the type of roommate who would buy groceries for both of us and include me with her friends. Gaga’s got a sort of invaluable older sister type-wisdom that comes from being around the block. I could free up some closet space for her; as long as she doesn’t leave her meat dress uncovered, we won’t have any problems.
2. Olivia Dean
Olivia Dean is a solid runner-up. I had never heard of her before her Best New Artist win at the Grammys, nor had the two people I asked while researching. From what I can tell, she’s pretty much a normal brand-new popstar that these record companies are making in labs or something. Olivia Dean is pretty much your average theater kid-turned popstar. I think that if no one lets her know that she’s famous, then she’ll be pretty easy to live with.
1. Joni Mitchell
Joni Mitchell, who took home her eleventh Grammy this month, is my top roommate prospect. Nobody is a better roommate than someone who has dealt with bad roommates in the past. Once you have lived with someone horrible, sheer gratitude results in being a perfect roommate. All I have to do to win over Joni is be easier to live with than Graham Nash and the rotating cast of drug-addled hippies in Laurel Canyon in the 60s. Easy. I promise that I’m nicer than David Crosby, quieter than Canned Heat, and far less into psychedelics than The Byrds. Good fences make good neighbors, and while the walls are thin in all the AU residence halls, I can’t imagine it could be worse than being neighbors with Frank Zappa. Joni seems sweet, low-maintenance, and clean. We truly would be the perfect pair, so please, if you’re reading this article and know Joni Mitchell, tell her that my housing slot is 10 a.m. on the 19th, so there’s still time for her to reach out.