Courtesy of Las Vegas Review Journal

It‰’s 2016, and you know what that means–it‰’s a leap year. That‰’s not the point of this column, but I feel the need to acknowledge it because leap years deserve love too. But I digress, this is a big year for politics as the presidential election is taking place.

Being college students in the nation‰’s capital, there is really no escape from hearing details of the election multiple times a day. In class, walking around campus, on the metro, and even at parties there seems to constantly be new discussions regarding it. We‰’ve heard about the candidates and their agendas through every angle from polls to memes. This week I‰’m going to look at the candidates from a musical angle.

Just like everyone has a spirit animal, everyone has a spirit song. It‰’s one of those things that you can‰’t look for but discover. I was laying in bed thinking about the election the other night (AU has really taken a toll on my psyche) and I wondered what their spirit songs would be, so I‰’m going to do my very best to accurately assign them,

Democrats

Bernie Sanders: Oh, good ol‰’ Bern. What would we do without his aggression and uber-liberal ideals to carry out our adolescent angst? This is a tough one, because there are many masks this Vermont Senator can wear. On one hand, he‰’s the kooky old man we overlook because we think he might have just forgot to take his meds; on the other hand, he‰’s the nice lil grandpa who would slide you a $20 bill under the table at family brunch.

Spirit Song Verdict: “Worst Behavior” – Drake. This song is perfect because it marked the uprising of buff Drake. Just imagine this playing as Bernie‰’s political revolution plays out. “Muhfucker never loved us‰” -Bernie to congress.

Hillary Clinton: What a woman–Hillary‰’s been around the political block. From first lady to secretary of state to our abuela, Hill has always been there. The question remains, however, as to whether or not she‰’s actually a human being. There have been plenty of jokes about Hillary‰’s “relatable‰” campaign strategies but she‰’s just trying her hardest to whip and nae nae into the White House.

Spirit Song Verdict: “Work B**ch” – Britney Spears. Britney and Hillary have done some pretty amazing things in their respective fields, but in the past five years it‰’s been hard for them to appeal to the younger generations with their work. This song speaks to Hillary‰’s campaign strategy in particular. “You want the candidacy? You want good policy? You better work, bitch*.

*I do not approve of calling women bitches and this is no comment on Hillary‰’s gender having to do with her candidacy bye

Republicans

Donald Trump: I try to respect others‰’ opinions regarding politics to the furthest extent possible, but to put it quite blatantly, Donald Trump is human scum and his candidacy is a joke. I won‰’t spend much time on him because I don‰’t believe in perpetuating ignorant hate.

Spirit Song Verdict: “Poopspray” – Poopspray. I just typed in the word “poop‰” into spotify and this came up. It‰’s hard to listen to and pretty scary, just like Trump.

Jeb Bush: I can honestly say that I feel bad for Jeb. He‰’s just trying his best, here. He has some…shoes to fill, and Trump keeps stealing his thunder. Jeb is the 10th grader who somehow missed out on puberty and has to run for student council because his dad was popular back in the day.

Spirit Song Verdict: “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” – Wham! Everyone kinda likes it, but nobody really takes it seriously. Plus, couldn‰’t you just imagine Jeb hittin‰’ that high while he‰’s vacuuming in his PJs?

Ben Carson: Ben Carson is an anomaly because although he is a surgeon, there are times where he is definitely not the sharpest scalpel in the operation room. He‰’s like one of those Starburst commercials.

Spirit Song Verdict: “Viva La Vida” – Coldplay. It comes off as sophisticated and cultured, but with a closer look it just becomes nonsense. Ben Carson would be that one guy at a Coldplay concert that holds his lighter up the whole time.

Marco Rubio: I‰’m gonna come right out and say it, Rubio is definitely the zaddy of all the candidates. What did he say? Is he a robot? Who cares, he‰’s decently attractive.

Spirit Song Verdict: “What Do You Mean?” – Justin Bieber. Rubio is a guilty pleasure candidate like JBiebs as an artist, and I don‰’t really know what he means half the time.

Ted Cruz: Looking at Ted Cruz kind of makes me uncomfortable because he looks like a sad basset hound. Everyone has their own idea of what Ted Cruz looks like. The beauty is in the eye of the beholder when it comes to him.

Spirit Song Verdict: “Rolling in the Deep” – Adele. A little too sad and pretty extra, perfect for Ted. I feel like everyone has a different opinion about Adele as well, just like the many different faces of Ted Cruz.

John Kasich: I don‰’t know enough about him to accurately pick a song and I am sorry.

There ya go folks, the best evaluation of the 2016 candidates to date. This will singlehandedly determine the election so I expect to be credited accordingly (just kidding please register to vote it really matters).