Emily’s Earbuds: Surely Satire: This year, listen to holiday music responsibly, or else

Emily Kreher • November 26, 2023

Lay off the Mariah Carey, for heaven’s sake. Jail time for anyone who logs more than two total hours of “All I Want for Christmas is You” in a calendar year.

And stop complaining about the sketchy vibes of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” It’s a great song. If you’re gonna have gripes, how about the trauma surely inflicted on the narrator of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” Anyone who feels the need to drag down the best holiday duet is basically the Grinch. Feel free to slander “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” though. Despite the fact that it’s almost certainly her husband, the kid’s dad, the song is still a little creepy.

If you were listening to Christmas music before Halloween, you are banned from listening until Dec. 20 the following year. Also, it is illegal to listen to Christmas music during the week of Thanksgiving. The Christmas season begins immediately on Nov. 1, pauses for the week of Thanksgiving, and returns with vigor on Black Friday. It’s like letting your food touch on your dinner plate. Keep your Christmas cookie separate from your Thanksgiving turkey, you heathen.

Also, if you are still having festivities from the 26 through 30, you have authorization to continue listening to holiday tunes. Otherwise, you should be completely weaned by the 28 or so. The hard line is New Year’s. January first play “Auld Lang Syne,” then Alexa, play “New Year’s Day” by Taylor Swift, then put the holiday season behind you for the next ten months, or so help me God I will throw the book at you: Unlawful possession of holiday playlists with intent to listen. Reckless humming of catchy Christmas songs, endangering the public. You won’t see daylight again until Halloween. My roommate says she enjoys singing Christmas songs out of season to annoy her siblings. I look forward to testifying against her.